This thing called the ego

We all have one. It plays tricks on our minds. At least I know mine does on me. Sometimes it's stronger than others. It acts up when I'm exhausted. For me it takes the form of being selfish, doubting my insticts, and not trusting others. It doesn't come from my soul, it comes from this warped sense of self that lives in my head. It comes from this image I think I need to show to everyone else. All of that is crap. None of those things matter. What does matter is that I speak and move from my heart and soul, even if it hurts, even if it makes me vulnerable, even if it's the last thing in the universe I want to do in that moment.

I know I've grown in that I can recognize and observe my ego. I notice when it's distracting me from what is really in my heart to some ego-created "problem." Being an observer of my own mind is an adventure on it's own.

My Ego is NOT My Amigo

Photography by Eric R. Ward 

“The authentic self is the best part of a human being. It’s the part of you that already cares, that is already passionate about evolution. When your authentic self miraculously awakens and becomes stronger than your ego, then you will truly begin to make a difference in this world. You will literally enter into a partnership with the creative principle.”

~ Andrew Cohen

In support of living a life of ADVENTURE

When I think of adventure I think of actually travelling places, but I also think of all the places nearby my home that I just don't see. I think there are many cool things even within an hour of travel time that go unnoticed when you get used to seeing them . What have you always wanted to see or do that's near where you live, but you just haven't gotten to it yet because there's always an excuse? Go do it this week. Make your trip to the grocery store an adventure. Let the toddler wear her princess dress, unkept hair with no shoes and do a yoga move in public. Who cares? Everyone around wishes they could unapolegetically be themselves at all times too. By being brave and have a geniune experience when you do those things "you have to do." It makes everything that much more enjoyable.

Photo by Eric R. Ward

I LOVE this quote: 
“I'd like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. 

If you want to get more out of life...you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty... in short, get out... and hit the Road. I guarantee you will be very glad you did. But I fear that you will ignore my advice. You think that I am stubborn, but you are even more stubborn than me. You had a wonderful chance on your drive back to see one of the greatest sights on earth, the Grand Canyon, something every American should see at least once in his life. But for some reason incomprehensible to me you wanted nothing but to bolt for home as quickly as possible, right back to the same situation which you see day after day after day. I fear you will follow this same inclination in the future and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover. 

Don't settle down and sit in one place. Move around, be nomadic, make each day a new horizon. You are still going to live a long time... and it would be a shame if you did not take the opportunity to revolutionize your life and move into an entirely new realm of experience.

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Slackro

Yesterday I attended a workshop taught by Sam and Raquel of YogaSlackers. They are amazing teachers and I always learn so much from them. This workshop was different because the poses we learned were slackline-inspired acro poses. This adds a whole new level of difficulty, because for a flyer it means your base is not steady so you can't be super tight like you normally would or you will fall. As a base or a flyer you have to ebb and flow with the pose in Slackro.

Photography by Eric R. Ward

Another reason I love AcroYoga and Slackline Yoga is that I am a newbie to both and still have so much to learn about each. It allows me to work on my body awareness as well as body awareness with another person. Which leads to even bigger skills that are at the heart of this practice: COMMUNICATION and TRUST.

To be able to do anything in AcroYoga you have to communicate. This is good and difficult. Things get hard and you might be falling out of a pose over and over again. This is frustrating to everyone involved. When this happens in AcroYoga I need to apply what I do to my regular yoga practice BREATHE and NONATTACHMENT. Maybe let go of that particular pose or transition for a while, practice something I know to regain my confidence and then try again.

In AcroYoga, you have to trust in yourself and the person you are working with or you won't try anything new, because fear will take over.  Trust cannot happen without communication.

Overall, I am happy to be learning and trying new things. I am grateful for the lessons I'm learning about the practice and myself. I am overwhelmed by the kindness and support of the community.

Final Thought: I CANNOT WAIT TO GET ON MY SLACKLINE AGAIN!

Authenticity

One of my on-going goals for the last few months has been to be authentic. I want to post an excerpt from Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, that I think is particularly insightful and helpful.

From page 50:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. 

Choosing authenticity means

• cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boudaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; 
• exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and 
• nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough

Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving--even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it. 

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives. 

Photo by Eric R. Ward

Choose to move through your day being Authentically You!

Being Human

Lately life has me thinking about what it means to be a genuine human being. For me this means: say what I mean and mean what I say. For me it's much more comfortable to be "nice." What I mean by this is it is much easier to put on a happy face and brave the world then it is to say, "I need a minute," or "No, things aren't okay. My soul is crushed." It's easier for me to fake a smile than to cry.

There's so much beauty in being human and vulnerable, but it's super terrifying to expose that side of myself to others. For most of my life I perceived this human-ness in myself and others as weakness. I did everything possible to not let this side of me show...EVER. And if I did accidentally let this side show, I would proceed to profusely apologize to whomever witnessed it.

As I transition into this new way of living I find myself embarrassed for my human side and have noticed how it then affects my behavior.
Here are two of my current vulnerabilities that bother me the most and that I can easily rationalize. Why rationalize each situation though? I'm a master rationalizer. Instead, I'll just put them out there in all of their human glory.

• "No, I don't want anyone to ride in my car, because if you haven't noticed I live out of it. There are blankets, coloring books, yoga clothes and props all over. It's not clean and nice. It's dirty."  
• "Yes, I'm currently living in my parent's basement, next door to my 15-year-old brother. And yes, I share a room with my almost three-year-old. And yes, we sleep in the same bed and cuddle every night despite the fact that she has her own bed. "

                            

                                       Photo by Eric R. Ward

This being human, genuine, vulnerable translates into my interactions with people as well. My old self would feel obligated to return a message or answer the phone even if I didn't want to or the interaction would not be genuine...it would be nice. Nice was better than genuine back then, but that way of thinking and interacting no longer serves me. If I want to interact with someone I will, and I will mean everything I say. If I don't interact it's because it would be fake and who has time for that bullshit?

These words seem rambled and jumbled, but I guess that's my human side coming out again so I will leave them without editing. I don't know if there's even a point to all of this, all of these words. I guess if I had to find a point or state my claim it would be:

I AM FINDING MY WAY IN LIFE, AND I'M CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO BE MORE HUMAN AND VULNERABLE AS I DO SO. 

2013 to 2014

2013 has been one of the most pivotal years of my life.

Here are some things that happened:
- My baby turned 2 years old.
-The MC Yogi yoga class at 3B in Provo was an important and beautiful start in many ways.
- I was able to go to the Ashtanga Confluence in February and Wanderlust in July.
- I started a yoga IG account and have been able to connect with yogis around the world that I would not have been able to otherwise. I am continually in awe of and inspired by this community.
- I had a trip that opened my eyes to the world and my reality as I was able to visit Brussels, London, and my favorite city, Paris.
- My ten year relationship ended.
- I have had intense pressure and rapid personal growth.
- I have been forced into the present moment.
- Slacklining and AcroYoga have been interests I have invested time into.
-What really matters is becoming clearer.
- Many illusions have been shattered, but Truth and Love shine through.

My hopes for 2014:
- Need less, save more
- Inspire and connect
- Have adventures
- 500 Hour YTT
-Breathe and Love
- Get stronger and make more art

Photography by Eric R. Ward

A Yoga Thanksgiving [a Recap on Happiness]

Happiness is...

...warm sun kissing my skin as I lay beneath the Arizona sky
...meeting new people and hearing new stories
...being inspired continually by the pure strength and joy of those around me

...being in my own filth and not really caring because no one else around me has showered for days either
...slacklining outside again

...Spitz peppered sunflower seeds
...being thrown around like an acro rag doll with super talented yogi friends

...talking things out
...pure love and joy
...not counting calories for a week
...being silly and playful
...doubling the amount of National Parks I have visited in 48 hours

...breathing into it
...handstand canes (need I say more?)

...honesty
...driving home safely on a donut
...cacti
...healing my leg through yoga

...breakfast by Lake Mead
...going to bed early and sleeping in (what every mom rarely gets)
...yoga in the dirt
...rock climbing outside for the first time ever

...a playful Bikram class where handstands were encouraged! What the?!
...my introduction to Forrest Yoga
...creating yoga art with my dear friend, Eric

Photography by Eric R. Ward

...peppermint mochas and lemonade Rockstars
...coming home to this face

Photography by Eric R. Ward