A brief history of my love affair with yoga

In the fall of 2006 I unknowingly began the most tumultuous, life-changing, and blissful long term love affair I have ever known. It happened when I first stepped into a yoga studio in Provo, Utah. At the time I was working on my undergrad and by nature was my usual super stressed, Type-A self. I had always loved working out. I got my first gym pass when I was 12 and loved going to workout with my dad who would take me regularly. I thought yoga would come easily and would help with my stress.

The surprise came when I went to my first class and got my ass kicked. It was a Rocket class, which is an offshoot of the Ashtanga Vinyasa tradition. If you're familiar with the practice, you know my pain. I had never been more aware of my lack of upper body strength then in that moment. And so my love affair with yoga began.

Over the next five years I practiced sporadically. The more stressed I was, the more I would practice. There were times when I had to get to the studio four times a week and lulls where I was lucky to make it to one class. Sometimes I attached my love for the practice to particular teachers and would only go to their classes. From my perspective now I believe every class is a good one, because I bring my practice, meditation, and self to my mat. I am ultimately in charge of my experience, the teacher facilitates that experience, but does not determine it for me. However, I didn't always feel that way.

In the beginning especially, yoga did not come easy for me. It still does not come easy for me. It takes dedication and hard work. When I first started this practice, I could not even do a chaturanga push-up. Every time I would lower down my arms would shake uncontrollably, my low back would dip because I had no clue what bandhas were or how the hell to engage them.  I was keenly aware of my weaknesses. But as Sri K. Pattabhi Jois said, "Practice and all is coming..." and with time these things came.

Sometimes I think we go to yoga classes and see what people can do and think it came naturally for them. We haven't been on their journey, we just see a snapshot.

It took me a solid year of focus to be able to solidly do sirsasana/headstand.

It took me another solid year to do pincha mayurasana/forearm stand.

If things don't come easy for you in your practice, good. Do the work. The payoff is that much sweeter, but remember non-attachment in all things. We all have "good" days, "bad" days, but really they are all just days our minds like to attach labels to them that then influence the experiences we have. 

Throughout this relationship with yoga I knew I wanted to do a Yoga Teacher Training (YTT), but I kept putting it off. I let my inner critic talk me out of doing the training time and time again. I held up my own yoga teachers in such high esteem that I felt I could never be one. Until I had my daughter in 2011. Through the experience of giving birth, I was able to prove to myself just how much I could go through mentally, spiritually, and physically. In hindsight, having a child was one of the most empowering experiences of my life. I was able to channel that warrior energy and mentality onto my mat even though initially my body could not keep up. Asanas or poses that were once easy for me became a struggle or impossible. So I went to the most physically strenuous classes I could find and every time I stepped onto my mat I fought a battle; I was pushing my body to its limits while fighting my ego and finding my inner strength. Five months after having my daughter I decided to do my YTT.

My YTT literally changed my life from the inside out or outside in--from either perspective I was different after that experience. Focusing on myself and this practice for four weeks straight was the best thing I could have ever done at that point in time. At the end of my training I asked my mentor, "What do I do now? How do I take this energy from this training and continue to let it grow?" Her answer was simple and powerful, "Practice six days a week." I took the advice to heart and from that day onward have always practiced at least six days a week.

It is through that personal practice and discipline that I began to develop my inner guru. By doing this I have been able to find the personal power and strength to follow my heart and truth on and off the mat.

Yoga has been the perfect lover. Patient and waiting when I have needed my space. Slow and calm when I have been physically weak. Steady and stable when life has been chaotic. Understanding when feeling emotions physically hurts and I have to curl up into the fetal position instead of taking savasana. Empowering when I can do something previously inaccessible to me. Enlightening as I practice non-attachment to my body, emotions, thoughts, and just witness it all happening. It is in this way that I want to record my journey of being alive.

Photography by Eric R. Ward