Being Human

Lately life has me thinking about what it means to be a genuine human being. For me this means: say what I mean and mean what I say. For me it's much more comfortable to be "nice." What I mean by this is it is much easier to put on a happy face and brave the world then it is to say, "I need a minute," or "No, things aren't okay. My soul is crushed." It's easier for me to fake a smile than to cry.

There's so much beauty in being human and vulnerable, but it's super terrifying to expose that side of myself to others. For most of my life I perceived this human-ness in myself and others as weakness. I did everything possible to not let this side of me show...EVER. And if I did accidentally let this side show, I would proceed to profusely apologize to whomever witnessed it.

As I transition into this new way of living I find myself embarrassed for my human side and have noticed how it then affects my behavior.
Here are two of my current vulnerabilities that bother me the most and that I can easily rationalize. Why rationalize each situation though? I'm a master rationalizer. Instead, I'll just put them out there in all of their human glory.

• "No, I don't want anyone to ride in my car, because if you haven't noticed I live out of it. There are blankets, coloring books, yoga clothes and props all over. It's not clean and nice. It's dirty."  
• "Yes, I'm currently living in my parent's basement, next door to my 15-year-old brother. And yes, I share a room with my almost three-year-old. And yes, we sleep in the same bed and cuddle every night despite the fact that she has her own bed. "

                            

                                       Photo by Eric R. Ward

This being human, genuine, vulnerable translates into my interactions with people as well. My old self would feel obligated to return a message or answer the phone even if I didn't want to or the interaction would not be genuine...it would be nice. Nice was better than genuine back then, but that way of thinking and interacting no longer serves me. If I want to interact with someone I will, and I will mean everything I say. If I don't interact it's because it would be fake and who has time for that bullshit?

These words seem rambled and jumbled, but I guess that's my human side coming out again so I will leave them without editing. I don't know if there's even a point to all of this, all of these words. I guess if I had to find a point or state my claim it would be:

I AM FINDING MY WAY IN LIFE, AND I'M CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO BE MORE HUMAN AND VULNERABLE AS I DO SO.